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Sunday, November 30, 2008
My epiphany/ 11:59 AM hey!! I'm finally blogging again! hahha, my apologies for being too lazy to think of something to post up in this nearly dying blog. I had an epiphany while i was lying down on my bed and thinking about life and what it's all about, about my future, about what am i going to do for the rest of my life and stuff like that. Well, then, i suddenly started thinking of why I've never had a boyfriend before or let alone allow someone (namely a guy..) to get too close to me. And then i thought about my phobia of commitment (hahah!). Of how I'm afraid to be tied down by someone, to have great expectations from and of someone, to see him walk away after all the sacrifices i had done or see all the happy moments all go to waste and to not be able to truly be myself when I'm with that someone (you know the saying of people change or aren't truly themselves when in a relationship right?) However after really giving it alot of thought, i finally realize that I'm not afraid of commitment(surprisingly). Having someone to love and someone loving you is a great feeling and if i do find that special someone, i wouldn't mind being tied down, i wouldn't have to pretend to be someone else in the relationship because he would love me for who i am. But instead, i found what was the true fear beneath the facade of being "commitment phobic". Disappointment. That is what I'm truly afraid of. I'm afraid that after committing to a guy and giving him all that i have (in terms of feelings luh, not money...I'm not THAT stupid!) that it will not work out and he'll in the end would leave me. And I'll in the end would end up with a broken heart and i for one do not know whether I'd be able to piece it back together. Turning into an unfeeling zombie (biggest fear!) I've had a preview of being disappointed and honestly, i don't care for the feeling. I believe that I'm not like the majority of teenagers or even adult out there who are just living day by day and having a relationship just because it's the IN thing. Of having a boyfriend/girlfriend (but what he/she really is, is just another accessory or for some, another trophy to be displayed in a cupboard). I'm looking for something that will last and not just a one night stand kinda thing. So this is my story. What's yours? Labels: love love love, random post 101 |
