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Thursday, November 8, 2007
Emotionally Unstable/ 10:45 PM
Okay, To start off, i'm in a bitchy fit and i'm gonna do alot of venting in this post.
For the weak hearted, please skip this post.
I don't get the meaning of the word "Family". Like seriously. I know what mother, father, brother, sister means but what the hell does family means?!?!?
Isn't the purpose of having a family is to belong. no matter what you do, family sticks together and no one can replace your place in the family cause THAT spot is specially reserved for you and no one else can fit into THAT spot. But what if no one cares anymore? what if the same shit happens again and again? And what if your caught in the middle. torn between your parents and you only sibling?
Well, i don't give a damn about my spot in the family anymore. If keeping that spot means that i have to choose between my parents and my only sibling than, count me out!! coz i dun fucking care bout my place in the family anymore. They think the battle thats been going on and on and on between them do NOT affect me. Well they are fucking wrong!!
Tell me. How can i choose between my parents and my only brother. I want to do right by them. But they are making it soooo fucking difficult for me!!! With one asking me to do the opposite of the other.
I've spent sooo many fuken hours talking to both of you, trying to make things better but what has it done? NOTHING!!! It has not done a motherfucking thing!! All the hours trying to patch up the family again, gone with one single quarrel. And I, yes I, have to start trying from scratch again.
Trying and failing. Trying and failing. Trying and failing.
I don't think i can do this anymore. I'm fucking fed up with your fucking attitudes!!! What do you think i am?!?! a fucking pawn that you can move anywhere on the chess board?!?! i have and mind of my own and i don't follow orders blindly. i have feelings,and everytime you guys quarrel, my heart dies just a little. And now that there's nothing left, i just feel pain and anger and sadness.
And if one of ya'll are not there to take the blame for something, I'm the target board. I'm the person you shout at. eventhough i did nothing wrong. I've tried sooo hard to help. I've tried sooo hard to make us a family again but everytime i try, you guys jusy bulldoze the wall i make to keep us together. And i'm running out of energy to make a new wall.
So, i guess what i'm trying to say is, I've finally stopped trying. I surrender. My white flag is up. You guy can carry on the battle if you want to but i'm out. I'm too tired to care anymore. I've past the stage of giving a shit bout you guys. You guys can quarrel all you like until you grow old and bitter and die. but I'm not living that way. I'm not gonna clean up after the mess you've made. I'm done doing that.
So now for all i care, what mother? what father? what brother?
If you push me again, adios!! i'll just say "Fuck you people. Since i'm insignificant to your life then, Fuck you. I'll go live somewhere else. Anywhere else.Coz it's definitely much better than this place you call home."
I'm just drained. And i want to sleep.
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Labels: curse you, emotionally unstable, pissed off, them never me, thoughts
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