And everything's burning down in flames

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Emotionally Unstable/ 10:45 PM

Okay, To start off, i'm in a bitchy fit and i'm gonna do alot of venting in this post.
For the weak hearted, please skip this post.

I don't get the meaning of the word "Family". Like seriously. I know what mother, father, brother, sister means but what the hell does family means?!?!?

Isn't the purpose of having a family is to belong. no matter what you do, family sticks together and no one can replace your place in the family cause THAT spot is specially reserved for you and no one else can fit into THAT spot. But what if no one cares anymore? what if the same shit happens again and again? And what if your caught in the middle. torn between your parents and you only sibling?

Well, i don't give a damn about my spot in the family anymore. If keeping that spot means that i have to choose between my parents and my only sibling than, count me out!! coz i dun fucking care bout my place in the family anymore. They think the battle thats been going on and on and on between them do NOT affect me. Well they are fucking wrong!!

Tell me. How can i choose between my parents and my only brother. I want to do right by them. But they are making it soooo fucking difficult for me!!! With one asking me to do the opposite of the other.

I've spent sooo many fuken hours talking to both of you, trying to make things better but what has it done? NOTHING!!! It has not done a motherfucking thing!! All the hours trying to patch up the family again, gone with one single quarrel. And I, yes I, have to start trying from scratch again.

Trying and failing. Trying and failing. Trying and failing.

I don't think i can do this anymore. I'm fucking fed up with your fucking attitudes!!! What do you think i am?!?! a fucking pawn that you can move anywhere on the chess board?!?! i have and mind of my own and i don't follow orders blindly. i have feelings,and everytime you guys quarrel, my heart dies just a little. And now that there's nothing left, i just feel pain and anger and sadness.

And if one of ya'll are not there to take the blame for something, I'm the target board. I'm the person you shout at. eventhough i did nothing wrong. I've tried sooo hard to help. I've tried sooo hard to make us a family again but everytime i try, you guys jusy bulldoze the wall i make to keep us together. And i'm running out of energy to make a new wall.

So, i guess what i'm trying to say is, I've finally stopped trying. I surrender. My white flag is up. You guy can carry on the battle if you want to but i'm out. I'm too tired to care anymore. I've past the stage of giving a shit bout you guys. You guys can quarrel all you like until you grow old and bitter and die. but I'm not living that way. I'm not gonna clean up after the mess you've made. I'm done doing that.

So now for all i care, what mother? what father? what brother?

If you push me again, adios!! i'll just say "Fuck you people. Since i'm insignificant to your life then, Fuck you. I'll go live somewhere else. Anywhere else.Coz it's definitely much better than this place you call home."

I'm just drained. And i want to sleep.

Labels: curse you, emotionally unstable, pissed off, them never me, thoughts

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Them Them Them never ME/ 9:04 PM

HEy!!!! i've been sooo busy these past few days that i have no time to post anything....it like 9:20 pm right now on a thursday night...

okay so todays a thursday right....i ponteng school today.....i woke up late...sorry!!!NOT!! ahahha....anyways i did go to school but it was like at 2 plus, when school was actually over...hahah...naughty naughty.....i came to school to do my art....i have sooooo many stuff to do!! god!!! well when i reach school i met up with jana, nad, sharir, ashraff, akmal, aida and siddiq....we went out for lunch first....so after lunch they went back home except for me, nad, rir and akmal....

Well separated and yah i went for art...i was working on my canvas thew whole time and was standing the whole time!!! i'm soooooo emotionally and physically drained now....well...even though i've been working on it, i still have loads and loads to do....i'm sooo freaking stressed out right now its not funny!!!!!! if you ask what i'm thinking of right now, i'd probably say i'm thinking of my art work....there's soo much to think about...

How to make it look 3d?

How to make my self portraits fit into the picture?

How to paint the freaking machines without making it look flat?

How to come up with a reason why i did this

How can i get my heart to stand out?

F*@$ it dude!!!!! all i care right now is to sleep and forget all my worries right now....but most probably i'd still think of it in my sleep.....times like this make me think why the hell did i took art!?!?!?? but i know it's all gonna be worth it at the end.....but its the process that i cant take it!!!ohhh gosh....and with all my other subjects piling on me, i wonder how i cope with all the subjects, two ccas, student leadership(its bull btw), my IPW, campcraft practices(competition) and my helping my friend with the malay dance routine and performance AND rehersals!! god!! what am i a robot?!?!? everyone seems to depend on me for something....they're like sucking the life out of me!!!

OH shit, i still have to get the costumes and make up shit for the performance.......

ITS NOT FUNNY!!!! it all THEM THEM THEM!!! never ME!!!URGH!!! i'm soo on the verge of losing it.

SERIOUSLY.......

Labels: losing it, them never me

Oooh...What's This?!?!

Belo's Blog!
The usual and unusual lifestyle of mine! My life which is a rollercoaster ride is here for everyone to like it, love it, hate it...whatever!
Heya there! I'm Meera, or aka Belo or POM POM (belo pomelo) I'm 17 this year but will be turning 18 really realy soon! Birthdays on the 3rd of freaking March! And i guess im currently wasting life away in poly, taking Aerospace Technology which im naturally brilliant at! teeeheee! Waiting and hoping that i would have an exciting life ahead but life is dull, so i make what i want out of it. Oh! PS: Whatever i say here is my own personal views, thought and oppinion...so if you dun like it, then well theres only one solution. PISS OFF!

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